“You won’t understand until you have kids of your own some day,” my mother used to say to me. Usually it was in relation to how overprotective she was being or how much she loved me. I would roll my eyes like a typical daughter and not even give it a second thought.
Years later, when I turned 30 I became a mom…and then again at 32…and then for the last time at 34. I now know exactly what my mother meant, and for those who don’t have children yet, or never will, it is a feeling that is indescribable, intense and more powerful than any other feeling I have ever known.
I feel ill when I am not with them….or when they are not with me. I long so much for the shopping outing or for the adults only vacation but a part of me is missing when they are some place else…or should I say MOST of me is missing when they are not there.
My breath gets taken away so easily in the past 6 years. Whether it is watching Chase grab for his sister’s hand instinctively while crossing the street, Reese telling me I am the most wonderful Mommy in the world, or Lane looking into my eyes like I am the only person who can make her feel better, it takes my breath away.
I worry about their future; lose sleep over it actually. I worry that Chase seems to be a follower nowadays and although he is bright, funny and articulate I’m afraid he may be easily persuaded to do things in the future. I worry about the fact that he is sometimes so painfully shy that it kills me inside to watch him. I know that he warms up after a little bit, but those first minutes make me just want to hug him and make him feel at ease.
I worry that Reese wants to be with me 24-7 and that she will always feel like the middle child no matter what “special” things Pete and I may plan for her. I fear that she won’t feel like she is as smart as Chase or as pretty as Lane even though she is perfect the way she is.
I worry that Lane will miss out on things because she came so late in the game. I worry that once it is “her” time I will be so sick of library story times, volunteering in the class and creative Valentine’s Day treats. I worry that she will know that she was “unplanned” when she gets older and may feel less than the other two, even though I know that God brought her to me knowing that she would be the love of my life.
“You won’t understand until you have kids of your own some day.” That’s one of the truest sentences I have ever heard. It’s funny how you can live so much of your life feeling complete and content and then you have children and you realize that you weren’t even close…..until now.