I had a Doctors appointment yesterday afternoon with my OB/GYN. It was just a check-up, and NO, I am not pregnant again. My Doctor has known me for over 6 years now, and has has been my Doctor for all three of my pregnancies. She has watched me crack jokes throughout all of them….even on the operating table for my C-sections.
You can imagine the surprise and horror on her face then yesterday when she casually asked me how I was doing raising 3 kids under the age of 5…..and I lost it. I knew that I would cry at that appointment, and I had been nervous all day about it. I hate talking about my feelings and I was uncomfortable with the fact that I wouldn’t be able to hide the sadness that I have been feeling for the past year.
I am drowning, that’s how I feel. I am not feeling sorry for myself and I know that my life is blessed and I am the luckiest woman alive….but I am struggling. I am struggling with the fact that my world is spinning around and around and I feel out of control. I feel helpless and I feel ashamed at myself for feeling this way.
When you run into me at the grocery store or see me at a party, I will undoubtedly be the person smiling and joking around about my life. When you see me at school or soccer games there will never be any indication that anything is wrong. But what you don’t see is me at home alone all day, every day, with the kids….treading water and trying to stay afloat.
My Doctor prescribed me pills. She thinks that I need them for depression and anxiety and feels that it will help me “cope” with life better. I don’t like the idea of pills and it scares me to take something that has so many side effects and warnings. I picked up the prescription last night…..and then after contemplating all night…put them away today.
I will try other things first. I will start doing things for myself…or I will at least try. I will start getting back into hot yoga and kickboxing because I love how I feel after a workout. I will work on trying to figure out a way to have a day to myself during the week….all day, just for me. I will take Vitamin D, and start juicing healthy fruits and vegetables like I used to when I had time. I will make time….for me!
I know this will pass. As these kids get a little older and less needy I will not feel pulled in so many different directions. I know that when Chase starts being more comfortable in new situations, Reese stops pushing her sister down a million times a day and Lane stops wanting to be in my lap every minute of the day, things will get better. They have to……..
I am drowning….I know this. I will get through this, I know this too. The next time you see me, I will be smiling and seem happy, but just know that underneath my clothes I am wearing a life jacket….and hopefully some day soon I won’t need it any longer.