Treading Water

I had a Doctors appointment yesterday afternoon with my OB/GYN. It was just a check-up, and NO, I am not pregnant again. My Doctor has known me for over 6 years now, and has has been my Doctor for all three of my pregnancies. She has watched me crack jokes throughout all of them….even on the operating table for my C-sections.

You can imagine the surprise and horror on her face then yesterday when she casually asked me how I was doing raising 3 kids under the age of 5…..and I lost it. I knew that I would cry at that appointment, and I had been nervous all day about it. I hate talking about my feelings and I was uncomfortable with the fact that I wouldn’t be able to hide the sadness that I have been feeling for the past year.

I am drowning, that’s how I feel. I am not feeling sorry for myself and I know that my life is blessed and I am the luckiest woman alive….but I am struggling. I am struggling with the fact that my world is spinning around and around and I feel out of control. I feel helpless and I feel ashamed at myself for feeling this way.

When you run into me at the grocery store or see me at a party, I will undoubtedly be the person smiling and joking around about my life. When you see me at school or soccer games there will never be any indication that anything is wrong. But what you don’t see is me at home alone all day, every day, with the kids….treading water and trying to stay afloat.

My Doctor prescribed me pills. She thinks that I need them for depression and anxiety and feels that it will help me “cope” with life better. I don’t like the idea of pills and it scares me to take something that has so many side effects and warnings. I picked up the prescription last night…..and then after contemplating all night…put them away today.

I will try other things first. I will start doing things for myself…or I will at least try. I will start getting back into hot yoga and kickboxing because I love how I feel after a workout. I will work on trying to figure out a way to have a day to myself during the week….all day, just for me. I will take Vitamin D, and start juicing healthy fruits and vegetables like I used to when I had time. I will make time….for me!

I know this will pass. As these kids get a little older and less needy I will not feel pulled in so many different directions. I know that when Chase starts being more comfortable in new situations, Reese stops pushing her sister down a million times a day and Lane stops wanting to be in my lap every minute of the day, things will get better. They have to……..

I am drowning….I know this. I will get through this, I know this too. The next time you see me, I will be smiling and seem happy, but just know that underneath my clothes I am wearing a life jacket….and hopefully some day soon I won’t need it any longer.


15 Responses to Treading Water

  1. avatar Kellie says:

    Amazing Jamie and brave. You said it but we have ALL been there and a lot of us are STILL THERE. Good for you. I have no doubt if you start taking some time for yourself life will look a little brighter.

  2. avatar Tracy says:

    Hang in there friend! Love you!

  3. You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember — all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.

    In a serious note, many have been in your position. Keep thinking about your circumstances and maintain awareness. Do not bury it and hope it goes away. Keep working toward your goal.

  4. I could have written that same post. Things are a little easier for me because I have two rather than three but there are still days when I feel like I’m going to lose it, some weeks more often than not. Hang in there and know you aren’t alone out there! Thank you for being so honest, it makes everyone else feel more normal and able to conquer another day with our little crazies! Hugs to you my friend!

  5. avatar Sara says:

    We have all been there. I espcially. Here to encourage you anytime you need….


  6. Jamie this is what makes you an amazing mom and wife! hang in there xoxoxo

  7. avatar Sarah Lynch says:

    What a great post, thanks for sharing! I think all of us mamas can relate in some way – in fact, many if not most of us, have been in your exact shoes. You are doing awesome, things always get better:) Hang in there mama!

  8. avatar Sandy Koski says:

    After I left my first reply to this, I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I think all mothers go thru what you are, but that doesn’t make any easier for you. I am glad you are staying away from the pills and taking other remedies. When I was about your age with small children and a husband that was rarely around, I went through the same thing. The road will get less rocky. Hang in there and know that there are alot of people who love you and I’m sure your friends and family are there for support. You do, however, need to take time for YOU.

  9. avatar Tami Fox says:

    I too, have struggled with depression. It’s not an easy road, but I think you have some great goals on beating it! What I have found really helps is fish oils (in addition to what you already mentioned, vit D and exercise.) I notice if I take mine every day, I feel much better mentally. And that is saying a lot if you know me. Haha! They are actually what helped me kick the pill “habit.”

    Another awesome supplement is magnesium. My favorite is Natural Vitality’s Natural Calm.

    You can beat this. I’ll be thinking and praying for you. <3

  10. avatar Stefanie says:

    Thank you for posting this. You’re doing an amazing job, and hey, at least your kids not kicking asses on the school bus! 😉

  11. avatar Shannon ashby says:

    So honest. So brave. Stay strong my friend! Xo

  12. avatar Erica bale says:

    Oh Jamie I would of never thought you were going through this. I feel this way everyday. I decided to go back to work and hope I get me back. I hope you find you again. You are an amazing person!

  13. avatar Karen says:

    Some of us feel the same way you do, however, it is because we are unable to have children to “bug us.” Believe me when I say that so many of us would trade places with you in a second. Cherish your children. I will be praying for you. Your humor carries us through!

    • avatar Jamie Quinlan says:

      Karen, I agree 100% with your comment and my heart hurts for those who are unable to have children. Before I hit the publish button on that blog post I told my husband that I felt selfish and ashamed that I was having those feelings when I am so blessed with such precious gifts. I do know how lucky I am and I wouldn’t change my life one bit. I hope you were not offended!

  14. […] a year ago to the day I wrote a blog post titled “Treading Water“. I had so many people contact me afterwards and either share their similar feelings or […]

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