Chase started Kindergarten full time last Tuesday and I have gone through many different emotions. I feel a sense of loss without him in the house each day and miss him so much. My stomach is nervous throughout the day wondering how he is doing and feeling.
I take him to the bus stop each morning and he is excited to go to school and happy for a new day but something happens the moment he takes a step onto that bus that kills me. I see the terror in his eyes and the fear that goes along with him being a shy 5 year old boy on a bus ride, alone.
The bus is jam packed when it gets to our stop, and so the moment he walks on, he puts his head down and walks down the aisle in search of a seat where there is no room for him. There are 4th and 5th graders on his bus along with the Kindergartners and that scares Chase more than anything I am sure.
On Friday he had trouble finding a seat and when I looked in the bus I saw him standing there crying….hands over his eyes, and sobbing. I held my tears as I yelled to him, “Chase, it’s going to be ok, you are doing great.” The bus driver suggested a spot in the front, next to 2 little girls and so I watched him turn and walk back to the front, head down, crying.
I hated the feeling that I felt at that moment and would have given anything to trade places with him. It made me sick to my stomach that he was uncomfortable or scared and that I was just a window away from him and couldn’t fix it. I was helpless as a mother as I saw him still crying as the bus took off.
I kept telling myself that surely he was fine after finding a seat and when a friend texted me 30 minutes later telling me that she had just seen Chase crying at school I felt even more hopeless than before. I called my husband Pete, right away and of course being the calmer one in our relationship, told me that Chase was going to be fine and needed to go through these things so that he could learn and grow.
I explained to him that I was his mother and couldn’t just let him “go through things like this,” and if I could protect him throughout his whole entire life I would do anything to do so. I know that he has to learn lessons in life….I get that, I just am not ready to let him learn any lessons that involve him feeling scared or lonely.
Today is Monday. We talked about being brave and how big kids can be nice, during breakfast time. I then brought him to the bus stop…..a different one, the one where he was one of the first kids to get on the bus. Some may see it as enabling him, but I am his Mommy, and I will do whatever it takes to make him feel safe at all times.