A Letter To My Son’s Future Wife

chaseTo the woman who is marrying my son,

First of all let me be the first to congratulate you. Right now, at the ripe ol’ age of 10 Chase is disgusted by all females who are not related…and even those who are related actually. So, congratulations on grossing him out lesser than the other options out there.

There are things that you will need to know before marrying my son. No matter how much you try….his hair will always look better than yours. You may spend hours each morning trying to get yourself ready but just realize that he will be spending more time to get the perfect look down…and in the end will succeed.

I hope you don’t eat that much. Chase does not have a problem with food…he will just have a problem if you chew funny or heaven forbid make a sound while trying to chew. My suggestion to you is to get all your eating finished while he is in the bathroom fixing his hair. Oh, and please don’t ever eat a banana around him…he really gets grossed out by the weird stuff that sluffs off.

He loves to snuggle in the morning. For the past 10 years I have been the one he snuggles with but since I am passing the baton to you….there are some things you should know. He will want the outside of the bed. He feels too restricted if he is in the middle so just let him have his way to make things easier. You will find that just letting him have his way with most things will be easier on both of you. He will also expect you to scratch his back the moment you decide to snuggle. You may think he will then in return scratch yours..but I will assure you, he won’t. He will also most likely still have “puppy,” his stuffed dog. I have washed him once a week since he was born and he is going to expect you to do the same. If you wake up to him chewing on puppies nose…do not be alarmed, I find it endearing and most likely you will too.

Even though he hates any noises that will come out of you, just know that every moment of the day he will be either sniffing or farting. As his mother, believe it or not, the sniffing is way more annoying. If you decide to sniff, however, he will not tolerate that…so again, get your sniffing out of the way while he is in the bathroom fixing his hair.

Since Chase has chosen you to be the less grosser of all the rest, I am assuming you are smart. Just know that no matter how smart you are….he is smarter. He will remember every detail of every situation even if he only ever heard it once. This will come in handy for you when checking into hotels and they ask your license plate #. He will always know it…and the surrounding car license plates as well.

Another thing I am going to assume about you is that you love sports and are very active. Hopefully you spent your youth throwing a football around because 23 hours of the day he will expect you to do that. Please be a good catcher or he will get frustrated…and if he can’t catch the ball that you throw…just know that it will be your fault, even if you think it was a perfect throw.

Another thing, as a woman I feel like I should worn you about. Chase has mentioned a few times over the years that if he was ever to get married it would be just so that he could have a kid…and then he would leave her and live with his friends. It’s not that I wouldn’t be ok with Chase, Aidan and Cole raising your baby….but I think that you should know upfront his potential intensions.

If you are reading this than I guess my job is done. I have molded him into the man he either is or isn’t right now. Please know that I tried my hardest to prepare him for you. I wish the 2 of you a very successful marriage!

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